Butt Service – aka: Why are all roadies assholes?

My digital camera has died, so with no new new pictures to post it's time for a rant.

In the lead-up to the singlespeed champs I was riding a lot more than I usually do. I even got a couple of half day passes from Margaret to go out for a two or three hour stint, which is unheard of in my normal weekly routine. It was great fun and I was happy to just be out there on the roads exploring some local areas I hadn't had a chance to look around previously. 

Now I'm a little shy, but when I see another cyclist I say hello or at the very least give a wave as we pass. I come from a motorcycle background and there's a real camaraderie in those circles. On the open road you always acknowledge other riders, be it a tattooed grandfather on a Harley or a skinny fifteen year old boy-racer hunched over his 125 like a dog humping a cricket ball. We are all having fun on two wheels and we are all targets for idiots in cars.

Mountain bikers are a bit like that too. Not as much as when I started in the early 90s, but they are still pretty friendly no matter what you are riding. 

Road riders on the other hand seem to have a chip on their shoulders. I suspect that a lot of the lycra-clad assholes I run into on my neighbourhood roads are not really "cyclists" at all. By cyclists I mean people who love riding bikes, and as an extension of that love the bicycle. 

I have a theory that a large percentage of these guys (and it's usually guys) are actually car drivers in disguise and are riding for two reasons only: 

1. So they can LOOK and BE cool (just like Lance except he's a cheating, lying bastard) and 

2. For the fitness benefits (substitute for dressing in lycra at the gym to LOOK and BE cool).

Now don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of road racing. I love Le Tour. I love their sleek carbon machines. Even though I don't want one I can appreciate how fast, light and efficient they are. What I don't like is the riders attitude. 

I did a little experiment on one training ride. I shouted out a friendly good morning to every rider I came across on my Saturday morning loop. The first thirteen riders passed within earshot without one single response. Not a nod of the head or the wave of a hand. Nothing! 

I don't know if the results would be different if I was riding a road bike instead of a monstrous purple mountain bike but by the time I got to Devonport I was getting a bit grumpy myself. 

Rider number 14

Rider number 14 was not going to ignore me. I was going to force him to talk! 

I met rider number 14 on a short steep access road on North Head. North Head is a small volcanic cone that was heavily fortified to protect our harbour in the late 1800s. I was riding up the road to the summit at 8.30am and there was not a soul around. It was dead quite and I was enjoying the pain of grinding a heavy singlespeed up this climb when a roadie slowly overtook me without saying a word and just kept on riding. I saw red. I put on a burst of speed to catch him and verbally assaulted him with friendly small-talk. I made a real effort to breath easy and disguise the pain I was in as I could see he was hurting. Once I got him talking he even mentioned that he had noticed I had no gears and my tyres were very fat. Shame he hadn't thought to mention that as we almost rubbed shoulders on the initial encounter. 

Well he seemed like a fairly nice guy once I got him talking so I let him off with an attitude warning and started for home... eight more riders were encountered without a single response. I got home a little depressed and formulated a plan. I'm not going to beat myself up trying to teach these people manners. That would be pointless. What I am going to do is fight them at their own game and wipe the road with their entrails. 

I'm looking at getting a Surly Cross-Check at the moment. It looks a bit like an old-fashioned road bike but is tougher and you can ride them off-road as well. Not as light as a road bike, but still pretty fast. Mine will have mudguards (fenders)... Mine will have a rear rack... Mine will have a case of beer lashed to the rack... That case will not contain beer but will contain polystyrene... It will be ridden by a tall skinny guy in casual clothes and sandals... That tall skinny guy will blow past these bastards uphill, traveling so fast that pursuit will seem pointless... That tall skinny guy will give the impression that he is not even trying... You can tell he's not trying by the size of the smile on his face ;-)

I have just sold my first child

Every now and then my wife reminds me (in that gentle but persistent way that they have, like a knife pressing between the third and fourth ribs) that my beloved motorcycle is sitting in the garage unused and I should really get rid of it. 

"How can I sell the most beautiful thing I have ever owned?" "How can I sell the bike I was going to keep for life?" "An Italian classic, a life long dream, an extension of my manhood..." 

I'll tell you how: Since the birth of my eldest son 10 years ago it's hardly got used, it's expensive to maintain and insure, and it's slowly deteriorating from sitting idle. I don't have any free time to myself to ride it for pleasure and it's too big and unpractical to commute on.

The bike corner

Motorcycles have a similar appeal to bicycles for me. I've been riding them since I was 15 and they are a life long passion. It's that unbridled sense of freedom. Fresh air you can actually feel on your face. You can taste, smell and hear the world around you and there's no such thing as a traffic jam. 

If you like a bit of excitement in your life it also doesn't hurt that a reasonably priced motorcycle will out-accelerate a Porsche or Ferrari.

I first started cycling as an adult in the early 90's, not long after buying the Moto Guzzi above. What I really wanted was a trials motorcycle for off-road competition but that involved buying the trials bike, a trailer and a car to tow it with. I was working with road cyclists and mountain bikers at the time and was talked into getting a mountain bike instead and going racing. I was hooked! I'm still riding that bike to this day and I now have another obsession. 

So it's out with the motorized version and I now have a little extra cash to invest in one of the pedal-powered variety if I can get that knife out from between my ribs.

Fear and loathing in Rotovegas

Well, what can I tell you about the First New Zealand Singlespeed Championship experience?

I rode a mountain bike with 39 inch wheels

Half the Pugsleys in New Zealand were racing (that's Dave the Surly importer on the left)

There were pirates on tandems complete with hats and swords

Men had breasts

Men had skin suits

The male and female winners got tattooed and had to show them at prize giving 

There were also;

• Fairies
  
• Neon orange Boiler-suits
  
• Cowgirls
  
• Men in tutus
  
• and a guy wearing silk boxers (that's all he was wearing!)
  

It wasn't quite as manic as I was expecting but the organizers did a fantastic job and a field of over 250 racers was impressive for a fringe sport in a little country like ours.

The start was a 200 meter run to your bike followed by 3 laps of a figure-of-eight course. Each half-lap was about 7 kilometers of amazing single-track, most of it ridable, and when you came back into the transition area you had to take the opposite side to the last one you rode on. This was confusing under race conditions and was made even more confusing by the consumption of a can of beer on each lap if you wanted to take a shortcut. I managed to get it right (and drank the beer at every opportunity) but a number of people made a wrong turn and ended up doing the same half of the lap again! It all added to the fun but a simpler format might be better for next year. 

My ankle was painful but held up and I finished the race somewhere down the back. That was OK, I was happy just to finish and the more social competitors pulled out at various times during the race to join the crowd and cheer on those still riding. 

One of the main sponsors was the Pig & Whistle pub so for a NZD$75 entry fee you got a movie the night before the race, vouchers for free beer at the bar, the race-pack, the prize giving party and a cooked breakfast at the pub the morning after the race. It was really good value.

The whole weekend was great fun and with any luck I'll be back next year in better shape for number two.

Fairies on 36ers...

This pretty much sums up my weekend. Words to follow when I catch my breath. 

I have a few photos from the event on my Flickr photostream: 

Singlespeed Shakedown

The big race is this weekend so I rode the Pug to work today to sort out any kinks. I converted it to a true singlespeed (was a dingle) this week and have not had a chance to try it out and see if any bits fall off.

I still get a thrill riding this bike after two years ownership, even with 32/20T gearing on the road. I did wheelies all the way to work in the sunshine and took silly photos like the one above riding home in the dark. You've always got a smile on your face riding a Pug.

The road trip starts tomorrow... wish me luck!

Sick Ride Man

Officially Sick

A funny thing happened last week out at Woodhill Mountain Bike Park. I had the Pugsley propped-up outside the shed where you pay before you ride. Two young guys were behind the counter and I was initially asked if it was a "sick ride". I translated this into 42-year-old and informed them it was indeed a lot of fun. 

The other guy then asked me if the fat tyres gave a soft ride like a bike with suspension. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I told them I had never ridden a bike with suspension, so I didn't know. It was priceless. Their young minds could not comprehend that someone had only ever ridden fully rigid mountain bikes. I wish I had my camera that day.

If I knew any other 6' 6" riders I would love to swap bikes and try out something different, but it has never happened. No one but me has ridden the Pug and apart from the odd blast around a car park I have never ridden anyone else's. The seats just don't go up high enough!

Braking Down

The Pugsley is exactly two years old this week and until last month I have not had a single problem with it. I have been running the same chain, brake pads and tyres and I haven't even had a flat tyre yet!

I say "until last month" because I've been tearing out my hair getting my formally bulletproof braking system back on track. First my front pads lose all power with still plenty of wear left on them. I've been told it was probably oil contamination but I'm not entirely convinced. I pay $40 (rip-off) for some Kool-Stop replacements to watch my front fork resonate and shudder back and forth even under moderate braking and then last week when I'm riding under-water trails out in the forest my back brake goes all spongy at the lever and loses all power.

I finally get some XTR after lusting after it since 1993 and it turns out to be EXACTLY the same part as bottom-of-the-range Deore right down to the code number stamped on the back!

Well I spent another $40 (rip-off), on another set of pads (Shimano XTR resin this time) and put those on the front wheel. A HUGE improvement. Almost as much power, less noise, nice modulation and I don't have to watch the fork bouncing back and forth by half an inch as I slow down. 

I took out the original rear pads and they had worn down completely to the metal holder. I am lucky I don't use much rear brake or I would have totaled my rear rotor. The lever had so much travel as one of the pistons had pushed right out and become stuck. I was pleased it wasn't a hydraulic issue as I don't know how to bleed them yet and I hate taking my bike into the shop to get work done on it.

This is what passes for a work-stand in my house

The Kool-Stops behave much better in the back and a ride in the forest today with the neighbourhood crew confirmed everything is working well again. That's a relief as my big singlespeed race is only six days away.